Happy belated St. Patrick's Day- it was an especially fine one, with the weather being so nice. No time to obsess or fret about global warming. That can be for another day. For now, it's been great to be outside. Saturday morning, my boys and I ate breakfast outside on our yard furniture. The air smelled so good and the sunshine felt so warm and loving.
It has been a busy year so far. I can't help but say, "Where did March go?" even though that makes me sound old.
These next few months are my favorite time of the year, and I feel almost an urgency to soak it all up.
As of about a month ago, the father of my children is at basic training. He seems to be doing really well. We haven't heard from him via the phone for a couple of weeks. I know phone privileges are scarce, especially in the thick of the training.
However, he's been a decent letter writer. It's pretty endearing to see his letters to the boys come through, with his painstaking printing. I know he misses them, and they miss him. I think it's a great lesson in love.
While it definitely is not ideal that he left at such a critical time in their childhood, there is also the point that we all are on our own journey and we are all figuring things out as we go.
To help my nine year old grasp some of these big grown up concepts, I'm reading "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho aloud to him. I have read the book before and highly recommend it. I'm hoping it will help him to form a framework around all of this. It's a story of a shepherd boy pursuing his "personal legend." I especially like this line. An older, wise king says to the boy, "The world's greatest lie is: that at a certain point in our lives , we lose control of what's happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fate. That is the world's greatest lie." We could even take it a step further and call it inertia. How many people are just going along with what they are doing because they're afraid to make a change, or they don't believe they deserve to live their dream? (myself included) So, in a philosophical sense, my ex-husband is living his dream. And, it doesn't mean it's pretty and it doesn't mean it's not messy. But he knew he needed to make a change.
Now there will be consequences or results of this decision, as there are with every decision. But allowing my boys to wallow or feel sorry for themselves because their dad made this choice is not a path I want to take, and it's not an attitude I want them to have.
I explained to my youngest that love for someone (his father) is like a puzzle. It doesn't have to be all one feeling- there might be a piece that is angry at his father for leaving, a piece that is sad because he's not here, and maybe a piece that is proud of his father for serving this country. And that is what it is- so many pieces to make a whole.
One part of a letter my ex wrote to my youngest talked about how proud he is to serve this country, to wear this uniform, and to give back. He said, "So many people take without thinking about it." And that is very true and thought provoking. Whatever avenue we might choose, it's important to give and to think of other people... at least sometimes.
So, as of today, that's where things stand. He will graduate from basic training in May, and we will be there to support him. It doesn't mean it's easy all the time. It doesn't mean that there aren't time when I feel completely annoyed with his decision. But most of the time, I understand. I want my kids to learn that. I also want them to learn that it is never too late to live their dream.
Life is a series of changes, and it's also a constant lesson in letting go, which sucks most of the time as none of us like to have our flow disrupted or our comfort disturbed. But holding on to the past doesn't do anything except waste the precious present.
In other news, the man who assaulted me has been arrested. His trial date is in early May. I'm relieved about that. I do feel the need to do something with my experience to help other people. I will continue looking into that. For now, I have my hands full with taking care of my two growing boys, volunteering at their schools, on the PTA, and in general keeping this house running on my own, which is no easy task. If I look too far ahead, I feel overwhelmed- so the practice is always to try to live in the moment and take it one day at a time.
Happy Spring!
No comments:
Post a Comment