Saturday, August 13, 2011

Two for One

Two posts in one day, but honestly, I have bragged her up before --
Please check out Sugar's most recent advice.
Beautiful.

http://therumpus.net/2011/08/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-81-a-bit-of-sully-in-your-sweet/#more-85431

Thanks!

Quiet Time and Musings

Happy August, mid-way through.



We have had such amazing weather lately. I've been doing a lot of walking around the lake. I've also been doing a lot of writing offline, just filled up another journal.

I have been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting, a bit of soul searching I suppose.
It has been really helpful.

There have been a lot of changes in my life in the past couple of years. I know this is not new news. (isn't that redundant?)

One that has been on my mind a lot is my current relationship with my parents. I am once again not having contact with them. There is obviously a long, rocky history there and it is a lot to try to summarize in a blogpost, but last night I spent some time writing my dad a letter and even if I don't mail it, it gave me some peace. I want my parents to know that I love them very much. The ongoing conflict I have is to balance this love with protecting myself from their behavior.

My dad is a very angry man - he has been my entire life, his entire life. The hard part is when he's angry, he doesn't know how to stop. You can ask him to stop, but he won't. And he doesn't have a grasp on behavior, as in how you treat the people you claim to love.

Case in point- he recently drove 3 1/2 hours without calling me or talking to me to ask if he could visit me and hid around outside my house for parts of 2 days, hoping to catch me in the act of something. What? I'm not sure. It sounds like something I'm making up, but I'm not. I actually think I understand where it's coming from, although that doesn't make it not crazy.

It stems from the fact that I was raised as a Jehovah's Witness and left that religion. There is a mentality among Jehovah's Witnesses that if you leave the group / organization / it must be for no other reason than to pursue a life of heroin addiction or prostitution. So, I think for whatever reason, my dad may have been trying to prove to himself that this is what I am doing. It really is illogical, so don't spend a lot of time trying to figure it out. And the reason he wants to prove to himself that it's what I'm doing is because it would make me unfit association, and therefore would justify the act of shunning that my entire childhood community and my own brother participate in. My parents have not totally shunned me because they like the opportunity to try to preach to me and re-convert me. This has been another reason for me cutting off contact.

This recent act was a breaking point for me again. It is scary to think about someone having these delusions. It's happened before, but it has been awhile. How do you bridge a gap, or really a chasm between how two people view this world, him and me?

So it was cathartic for me to try to explain my love for my parents along with my fear of them in this letter. I was able to make some sense of my own feelings, which is all I can do.

In the meantime, my dad has leukemia, so it adds a burden of guilt to me. Part of my brain and heart tell me there is nothing I can do and it's not my job to try to fix anything people do - my dad has chosen his life of anger and discontent thru and thru - but the other part screams "Fix them! Help them to find happiness!"

Right now I'm reading a book about Karma and Reincarnation. I am open to all types of beliefs - I have studied Christianity extensively, I've read the book of Buddhism more than once, I have taken world religions classes in college, and I guess I would sum myself up as a possibillian.
http://www.possibilian.com/ -- more to follow on that in a future post.

Anyway, take reincarnation however you will, but whether or not you believe in it, much like Christianity, there are things we can learn and apply right now in this life, whether or not this is the only life we will live and simply return to the ground like animals do.

In this book, the point is made that we work out our karma through our relationships with other people, especially our parents and siblings. In other words, we are each other's greatest teachers.

Here is a quote from the book I'm referencing, "Karma and Reincarnation" by Elizabeth Claire Prophet and Patricia R. Spadaro : "One lesson that comes across loud and clear in reincarnation studies is that no matter what family you are born into, you alone are responsible for who and what you are today. We think we inherit our genius and our limitations from our parents' genes, but in fact we attract to us parents whose genes will fulfill the formula of our karma for this life."

It's an interesting perspective. It made me think about what my relationship with my parents can teach me. How can it make me a better person? It already has, I think. And also, enough with the blame game. Sure, there is damage we all incur from the way we were raised, but to continue to dwell on it and let us define us only hurts us. Thinking of this logically - there are people who spend more time grieving and being angry about their childhood than the time they actually spent in it. That feels unfortunate to me, and a giant waste of time. Acknowledge it and let go.

Dealing with a group of people, my parents included, as part of Jehovah's Witnesses, taught me so much empathy. There is a lot to be said about the power fear can have over people. This particular group offers promises of never getting old, living forever on a paradise earth where there is no more sickness, death or suffering. There is perfection. The concept is taken from the Bible, but other Christian religions interpret that as applying to heaven. In contrast, those who don't believe or don't worship God in the way they feel is the right way, will die without hope of living again.

When I was studying Psychology, I learned about Lawrence Kohlberg's theory of moral reasoning. He proposes 3 levels, with 2 stages within each level.

It is a lot to dissect, but in short:
Level 1: Preconventional morality: People act under external controls. They obey rules to avoid punishment or reap rewards... typical of children ages 4 to 10.
Level 2: Conventional morality: People have internalized the standards of authority figures. They are concerned about being "good", pleasing others, maintaining the social order. This level is typically reached after age 10; many people never move beyond it, even in adulthood.
Level 3: Postconventional morality: People now recognize conflicts between moral standards and make their own judgments on the basis of principles of right, fairness and justice. People generally do not reach this level of moral reasoning at least until early adolescence or more commonly in young adulthood, if ever.

I'm truly not doing his research justice by this quick recap, and yet the point that has always stuck with me is the description of Level 1. When we allow someone else to set up our morality for us, to judge the world in black and white, right or wrong, without considering so many of the nuances for us, we are really stunted.

Handing over your power of reason and your emotions to another person or a group is really detrimental.
I'll end with this favorite quote by Buddha:
"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it or who has said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense."

Enjoy the sunshine!